Food Ethics

Whenever you meet someone for the first time, certain lines of interrogation are usually put into play.

“Where are you from?"

"What do you do?"

"What type of music do you like?”

In my experience, people almost always respond to this last question with, “anything but rap and/or country,” which doesn’t really answer the question. This, however, is an entirely different beast of social nuance.

People enjoy finding out titillating likes/dislikes of new acquaintances. Based on these short and impromptu verbal surveys, we can potentially discover a wealth of information that may seem trivial at first, but can prove to be quite useful. For instance, if I meet someone who tells me that they were raised in a small town and highly involved with their local church community, it’s likely that this individual will not be interested in worshipping Ogtar, Eater of Worlds with me at next Tuesday's black mass. It’s okay – I’m not going either; it conflicts with my bridge club.

One way or another, the issue of food always arises. Usually it’s over a meal – go figure. Personally, I’ll eat just about anything. Granola, chicken, broken glass, asphalt, and even the occasional doughnut give my tastebuds a nice feeling-up. These tastes, of course, ebb and flow over the course of time. Unlike the younger, more adventurous me, I’m not so inclined to devour a box of Fruity Pebbles, even if there is a bitchin' prize at the bottom of the container.

There are, however, two absolutes on my extremely short list of banned foods: chocolate and raisins. I know, I know…right now, you’re thinking, “He doesn’t like chocolate?!? What’s wrong with him?” In all fairness, this is a perfectly reasonable question. Let me qualify my...situation with chocolate and then I’ll address the raisins.

Chocolate, please understand that this has nothing to do with you – it’s my problem. The appeal of a Hershey bar for me is nil. I do admire the workers who pick and process the beans from which you are made, but I’m just not interested in the finished product in any variety. You say I’m missing out on something good? You’re probably right. I guess that I’ll just never know.

Raisins, on the other hand, are devil spawn. Why would anyone take something beautiful like a grape and ruin it by leaving it out in the sun? Doesn’t seem like a good idea to me! The next time you see a raisin, examine its disgusting crevices and tell me that it didn’t come straight from hell. It’s as if that damn “sun-maiden” or whatever she is opened a chasm in the earth and from it flew raisins like locusts. They’ll get into your cereal and cookies and if you aren’t careful, they’ll ruin that for you as well.