Wire Fences and Prayers

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you of our collective and impending doom. My knowledge encumbers me in the way a soaking wool cloak might burden a weary and tired traveler. If this warning were disseminated earlier, it might have done some good; alas, the end of humanity is at hand. Whatever the case may be, I hope that the following evidence will shed some light on a situation that will ultimately prove to be the vehicle for our demise as self-proclaimed “rulers of the earth”.

We often underestimate the true powers of Mother Nature and her wily ways, but this time, she has truly given us the finger – nay, the fist! “Mother Nature’s Fisting,” as it is known among academia, absolutely defined humans as mere cattle for the latest evolutionary peddler of death and chaos.

A creature of hellish origin was allegedly shot dead by a farmer somewhere southwest of here (these are the most specific coordinates I can provide lest I endanger you further). This demon that plagues the southwestern portion of America is known for it’s unquenchable thirst for the blood of goats and other livestock, hence its name, translated as “goat-sucker”.

I know that we can all relate to the potential ramifications of this potentially blood-thirsty rampage. Ranked on the highly-effective National Terror Scale, I would designate this particular emergency as a dark maroon – highly dangerous. We might all think of ourselves as weeping witnesses left in the wake of gore that this creature brings, because, you know, we get livestock and stuff from…southwest of here.

I propose that we come together as citizens of this planet and protect ourselves from that which truly threatens our borders. Illegal immigrants?!? Come on, people; let’s not kid ourselves. As a man who knows a handful of immigrants (most of them legal), I can say, with 100% confidence, that none of them have ever mentioned wanting to suck the blood from a young goat. There’s been some other crazy shit, but we don’t need to get into that.

The point is that we need to mobilize and we need to do it now. Wire fences and praying will only hold back the horror for so long. We have to educate ourselves. We have to know. Knowing is half the battle.

Food Ethics

Whenever you meet someone for the first time, certain lines of interrogation are usually put into play.

“Where are you from?"

"What do you do?"

"What type of music do you like?”

In my experience, people almost always respond to this last question with, “anything but rap and/or country,” which doesn’t really answer the question. This, however, is an entirely different beast of social nuance.

People enjoy finding out titillating likes/dislikes of new acquaintances. Based on these short and impromptu verbal surveys, we can potentially discover a wealth of information that may seem trivial at first, but can prove to be quite useful. For instance, if I meet someone who tells me that they were raised in a small town and highly involved with their local church community, it’s likely that this individual will not be interested in worshipping Ogtar, Eater of Worlds with me at next Tuesday's black mass. It’s okay – I’m not going either; it conflicts with my bridge club.

One way or another, the issue of food always arises. Usually it’s over a meal – go figure. Personally, I’ll eat just about anything. Granola, chicken, broken glass, asphalt, and even the occasional doughnut give my tastebuds a nice feeling-up. These tastes, of course, ebb and flow over the course of time. Unlike the younger, more adventurous me, I’m not so inclined to devour a box of Fruity Pebbles, even if there is a bitchin' prize at the bottom of the container.

There are, however, two absolutes on my extremely short list of banned foods: chocolate and raisins. I know, I know…right now, you’re thinking, “He doesn’t like chocolate?!? What’s wrong with him?” In all fairness, this is a perfectly reasonable question. Let me qualify my...situation with chocolate and then I’ll address the raisins.

Chocolate, please understand that this has nothing to do with you – it’s my problem. The appeal of a Hershey bar for me is nil. I do admire the workers who pick and process the beans from which you are made, but I’m just not interested in the finished product in any variety. You say I’m missing out on something good? You’re probably right. I guess that I’ll just never know.

Raisins, on the other hand, are devil spawn. Why would anyone take something beautiful like a grape and ruin it by leaving it out in the sun? Doesn’t seem like a good idea to me! The next time you see a raisin, examine its disgusting crevices and tell me that it didn’t come straight from hell. It’s as if that damn “sun-maiden” or whatever she is opened a chasm in the earth and from it flew raisins like locusts. They’ll get into your cereal and cookies and if you aren’t careful, they’ll ruin that for you as well.